(Between other problems, of course, HEH).
Ever since the beginning of the year, I’ve been dealing with many challenging experiences and lessons I had to learn the hard way. Each and every one of these events taught me countless things; especially everything related to my progress with therapy, which is something I promised I’d update you on on Instagram a while ago.
So today, without further ado, here’s 5 things I’m addressing in therapy these days. Do you feel identified with any of these? Let me know at the end of this post!
1) Happiness as a constant in life
It’s obvious that life has its ups and downs, hence we get to live some moments with more intensity than others. Perhaps the first trip overseas, your first kiss with a loved one, your first sexy times, moving out. And on the opposite side of the spectrum, there’s mourning for the loss of a loved one, a break up, getting fired, etcétera.
These are overly emotional experiences and can’t obviously be compared to, I don’t know, going to the bathroom every morning.
But it is a reality that our lives are made out of these particular mundane moments the most. Every morning coffee and every commute to and from work have value, contrary to how we usually perceive these fleeting bits in life. We treat them almost like “moments of transition”, extracting the real value out of them because they are not “intense”.
It’s like the only things worth remembering and documenting in life are the emotionally overcharged bits, right?
Well, that’s how I used to think (or DO think?) a while ago, when I wasn’t even considering that enjoying happiness constantly instead of like a rollercoaster makes for better peace.
Because giving value only to these intense moments in life, leaves us at the mercy of everything we cannot control. I can’t live euphorically each day, even if I wanted to (plus, it wouldn’t be healthy at all). The feeling I get while I’m overseas is only with me as long as I’m living that particular adventure. The feeling of the first kiss with the person you love lasts only for that moment. And that’s it.
Just because I’m happy with those ephemeral moments the most, doesn’t mean the rest can’t make me happy.
2. Underlying insecurities
I thought I had the world at my feet. I was super confident in my life. I thought I had everything under control and no one would f*ck with me.
Well, guess what my friend? It isn’t like that at all.
These past few months I discovered things about myself that weren’t super pretty and got me quite depressed; after all, we are a constant work in progress, no matter if we think we’ve already reached the level of maturity and growth we were supposed to reach (according to our own, always evolving, standards, that is).
Truthfully, I have an ocean of insecurities that I didn’t even realize I had!
3. The need for external validation
Sometimes I comically remark that “I’m always late for every life changing experience”: getting a boyfriend, having sex (I refuse to speak about the evil term “virginity”), getting my first serious job, moving out alone. I was always “late” for every of these things compared to my friends and peers. I’d just brush it off and thought that that was just the way I was.
In reality, what I was waiting for, eeevery single time, was for external validation. I was waiting for someone to tell me how good or bad of a choice that was, to the point I ended up reducing my time online to the bare minimum only because my ex disapproved of the wonderful sphere that is the internet.
Which takes me to the next point in our list:
I’m not saying we’re all illinentioned manipulative people. After all, with the era of “influencers” we’re all trying to influence people one way or another. In my case, I’m sure that my ex had no ill intentions about dragging me away from social media. But there are indeed some people who would maliciously manipulate you to their own advantage.
Some folks just take great delight in doing these to other people. They don’t care how they make you feel at the end of the day. They’re called “psychopaths”, the worst kind of people you can ever cross roads in your life. I’d like to tell you there’s only very few of them, but I’m no liar. They’re more than we think they are, and if you don’t believe me, go and read Thomas Erikson’s “Surrounded by Psychopaths”.
There also exist people who exhibit psychopath characteristics but aren’t technically psychopaths. Usually these people certainly DO have feelings of guilt, but there’s still a high probability they will go ahead and try to manipulate you in some way, unconsciously or not.
And we all know that taking control of someone insecure and vulnerable is much easier than trying to influence someone strong and confident in themselves.
5) I question the hegemonic idea of romantic love… but I still want it
How is it possible to want something you so harshly criticize?
I have no desire to become a mother or marry in the future, but I would want to be in a serious, long-term relationship with someone and share my life uniquely with them. These days, my brain finds the concept of “forever” and monogamy ridiculous, so why in hell do I still want to be in a monogamous relationship?! I wish once and for all to go past the infatuation phrase and just get on with the real thing, you know? I’m tired of getting disappointed again, again, and again.
My generation was raised under the hegemonic kind of romantic love: heterosexual and monogamous. I am conscious that part of the reason I’m inclined to choose it, is because my brain was set (by society) to think that was the only viable choice, even though there’s nothing natural in it. I am also aware that choosing it doesn’t make me any “less” of a person. Discarding monogamy and choosing polyamory because that’s “the new thing” is basically doing the same that was done to us generations ago: I’d be conditioning my brain to want something I simply don’t see myself wanting at the moment or in the distant future.
Wouldn’t it be worthless if I forced myself to think that, just people polyamory is the new thing, I’d have to choose it as the ONLY OPTION out there? In the end, nothing is ever really NATURAL in the human being, it’s all cultural and situational.
Suede shoes from local brand in Stockholm, Sweden
What do you think of this list of topics I’m addressing at theraphy?
Do you feel identified with any of these?
I hope this post serves as inspiration and opens up a space for thinking about topics maybe you never thought too deeply about!