Well, I don’t exactly know how to start writing this post. It hurts to do so, but I know I must, because I wouldn’t know how to keep writing here if I did otherwise.I look at this post including the photos he took of me and I cry. The truth is that, exactly 1 month ago the person I was dating broke up with me, just like that, out of nowhere and suddenly.
It doesn’t matter now what happened, or if he really loved me. The point of this post is not to trash him, blame myself or try to find excuses or reasons as of why he stopped choosing me. The truth is that I want to talk about how 6 months of my first healthy relationship where throw right into the trash bin within the blink of an eye, and how I wasn’t ready for what was coming next.
1. The truth is that no one tells you how much it hurts for someone to stop choosing you as their partner.
Because being the “left-er” is easy. I’ve been there. It hurts to hurt the other person, but it’s even more hurtful to be on the receiving end of “I don’t feel the same way you feel about me”. It’s a lot harder to be the “left-ee”. It hurts because someone you’re used to having in your life on a daily basis suddenly stops talking to you and bam, it’s almost like they never existed.
The good mornings and good nights are over, as well as loving pet names, the “how’s your day going?” question… Netflix weekends cuddling on the couch are over, as well as mates right by the river talking nonsense. The feeling of someone thinking about you 24/7 is over. The hugs, kisses, tender touches, all of that is over.
2. It’s hard to get over a break up like this, when you don’t know exactly WHAT happened.
Because it’s worse when you don’t see it coming. When everything seems fine and suddenly you find out it’s not. There is a part of you that doesn’t understand and needs to understand what broke in the first place, to start the mourning process of the break up. Could I possibly have done something to remedy this? How exactly can you prevent someone from falling out of love with you? Is it even possible?
3. Suddenly you find yourself back to zero, back to being single, back to your old routine.
Except you have forgotten how to handle that routine. My routine the past 6 months consisted in getting excited over the weekends because I knew I’d see him either on Saturday or Sunday. It’s hard to go back to my blogging routine and my creative habits when one big source of inspiration and happiness is suddenly ripped out of my life, like a band-aid. All I want to do is cry and stay in bed all day (something I don’t allow myself to do too often because this is not the way to get better!).
Going back to the places we used to go is toughest. Going back to those coffee shops and restaurants where we had such interesting and yet funny conversations. It’s hard not to look at a hamburger and cry (yes, I loved him that much babes). Understanding that maybe he wasn’t for me and that there’s something better coming along the way is hard, because part of me wanted him to be that famous “one” that we girls always dream of (thank you sexism).
4. I also remembered not everyone is who they say they are.
Not everyone is as mature and emotionally intelligent as they say they are. Not everyone knows what they want out of life. It was silly of me to think that at their 30’s guys know what they want — besides it’s so damn hard to find out what you want out of life; it shouldn’t be judged by your age! Maybe I am an exception to the rule: I do know what I want out of a relationship and it’s all cristal clear to me, but I have to understand there are people still figuring this out along the way.
And, at the same time, we are not always who we say we are. We want to believe we’re grown up, mature, intelligent, but we’ve got to be honest with ourselves and accept we’re not perfect. Not everyone has the guts to say they don’t love you face to face (yes, he said this to me over Whatsapp, and yes, I had to force him to come to my place to say it to me face).
5. It’s not always your fault it has all ended.
I think this was the most valuable lesson I learnt. That it had nothing to do with me and 100% to do with him and his unsolved issues. That I was the best I could be with me, gave everything I had and loved him as much as I could. That there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. That it had nothing to do with my body, my thoughts, my lifestyle. That it was all about him. And, most important of all, is that I realized very soon that I was not to carry the weight of the break up over MY shoulders.
Nevertheless, today the most important thought in my head is that I’m not alone and I keep moving forward
And yes, I cry. And yes, I do miss him. But I know I will be okay.
Because if there’s something that I have to say about this experience, is that I came out more confident and mature and sure of myself. I’m blessed to have seen the people who came to my aid when I needed them. My Swedish friends who heard me as soon as he left the apartment. My coworker Marie who took me out for coffee the day after, a Sunday. My coworkers who offered me a loving hug whenever they found me in the bathroom crying over him. My mom who has been there for me unconditionally.
I cannot ignore this. My angst is valid and real, but it can’t could my vision: I’m not alone, and these people are the best crutches I’ll ever have until I can walk on my own again.
Soon enough I’ll be able to write about happier, more inspiring things. And of course I want to keep writing about my growth regarding these sort of experiences. I hope you stick around on the other side to see what’s coming to this space.